whew! Like I said before, in college I used to make beats for singers and rappers and stuff, actually I still do sorta, I engineer sessions for people, I really don’t have time to bang out like I used to right now but OMG! I remember going down to the student-run radio station at my college to listen for hot riffs and sounds at the music library. I guess record companies had been sending them music for the last 50 years and it was soooo hot cuz all the music from all genres was there in their library. I would spend sometimes all day long listening to folk, r&b, disco, blues, jazz, rap, spoken word, ragtime, classical, modern classical, experimental instrumental, etc and I remember all those records and groups I had never heard of and this is one of them. I knew of the Supremes but I didn’t know that they kept making records even after Diana Ross left. The Supremes had numerous members come and go but these women were the last trio to to rock the name during the 70′s and this record….unh! i’m listening to this right now but um, first of all, I dig 70′s music especially the funk orchestrations…this stuff is heavy, anyway i’m not gonna be a talk-o-potomus today so that’s it for me but here’s a couple of tracks to ride to:

The Supremes – You’re my driving wheel

The Supremes – Come Into My Life <- the bassist for this track had to be smoking that mexicali pop-gun cuz the bassline is super ugly, this is one of my favorite tracks by the way, lol

The Supremes – Sweet Dream Machine

P.S. Another album that took me by surprise was Dionne Warwick’s first album, that sh*t sounded like a cross between R&B and a Wu-Tang record, it was super-hot to me but I know, I know, I said I was done talking, I dig it, I dig it….later world.

M is for…”musica!, musica!”

  M is for…still nothing(L) but now it’s the “golden nothing”(J), how that for progress? LOL

 

Damn it’s been a minute since I wrote anything here…I haven’t really been in “community” mode.  By “community” mode I mean that when you write something acessible via the internet you have to be, on some level at least, open to the public reading your thoughts.  Hmmm, now that I think of it, I wonder if I’m secretive?  Hmmmm, I don’t feel secretive but maybe I am…oooo, I got it!  Maybe I’m mysterious! LOL, “mysterious”??? who gives a f**k about being mysterious, as if you have nothing better to do with your life then present yourself as some sort of rubix cube or living sodoku puzzle.  F**k it, a mystery is only as mysterious as your inability to solve it so there that is – moving on…. 

I’ve been feeling understimulated lately, it’s a problem I have, I guess I’m still learning about myself but I feel like sh*t right now.  I’m used to feeling “gripped” in some sort of vice-grip of focus but not in the last….well actually not for the entire January, my birthday was on the 15^th of Jan but I felt so disinterested, my friends gave me gifts and stuff, well the female ones at least, I don’t normally give my male friends gifts, we might go out or something but not gifts, f**k that, I don’t say f**k that to signify that I’m a mean or callous person,…hell, I just talk like that, “f**k” is a hot word, IMHO at least, LOL.  I point out that my female friends gave me gifts b/c i’m wondering if that is going to be an issue in the future.  Crazily enough, I feel like i’m being courted.  Weird right?  It just feels like more hoops to jump through and then people wonder why I don’t answer my phone…f**k my phone, that’s why.  To be sure, I still feel focused but I don’t feel passionate, usually I feel like…a machine, a living, feeling, thinking machine, like I was born, “built” to do a thing and I do it.  I usually also feel a sense of piercing clarity that drives me, it makes everything so much more intense and enjoyable like there was nothing else that could even compare to the joy that I get when i’m doing whatever I’m doing.  This seems to be the flip-side, I’ve written about it before, I describe it different ways, multiple hues of the same basic primary color but I guess in the end red is red.  I’m still trudging through but It’s not in the passionate way I am normally, right now it’s more…logic.  I realize that there really aren’t many other better options right now, the path forward I’ve chosen is a good one, both tactically and strategically but it’s not fun and we are not happy.  So I guess to re-formulate my reflection (HA! That my phrase, don’t bite! LOL) I’m not on hiatus, I haven’t gone anywhere, I’m here, just beneath the surface, looking at the world from a nanometer beneath the water’s surface but I might as well be in another galaxy.  Mabye I’ve worn myself out?  Probably, it won’t be the first time.  I can’t shake the feeling though that there’s another opinion that I haven’t considered, something thought but left unsaid but since I can’t place the thought then perhaps it’s not ready to show itself yet, that’s okay, I have all the time that I need.  The funny thing is…i still feel strong, I know why i’m marching in the direction I am and I have no doubt whatsoever that I will ulitimately triumph…it’s like i’m in first place of a marathon and I still have a mile to go, as long as I don’t slow down or stop i’ll win easily but damn if my legs don’t feel like they’re on fire….hmmm, i just had an interesting thought…perhaps this fire is necessary, perhaps I shouldn’t resist it or feel it with displeasure or continue to reflect upon it as though something is “wrong” in the mainstream sense of word.  Perhaps there is something here that I can use, ahhhh, there’s the word now…”opportunity”, another thought….what fuels the fire?  Now i’m intrigued, maybe instead a dialogue would more useful than reflection…yes, a dialogue with the great hunger that howls so….

  M is for…today? f**k it, today, M is for nothing at all…

I haven’t written anything in a while but it’s definitely not for lack of thought or feeling. I’ve just not experienced anything yet that warranted inscription. I don’t really know, maybe this doesn’t either but I decided to come in to the office today( I’ve been working from home for the last few weeks ), and I always seem to write the most when I’m at work. I guess it’s the sterile flourescent lights, or the hum of all the fans of the computers, maybe even the indistinguishable cacophany of conversation going on around me. Sometimes I wish I could read minds….no, strike that, all I needed was a microsecond to mull that over to say shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, lol. Damn that, I got enough silly gibberish screaming though my mind on any given day…we full here, you go home, take thoughts too….i’ve been thugging out this project I’m working on but it’s definitely a toughy, tough in the sense that it requires a LOT of thought and design and checking and then re-design, etc. I’ve been working on it since 5/23/06, yes I know the date, it’s the first date written in this project’s journal, well, 3 journals ago at least, I write a lot…*sigh*. I like to read other blogger’s thoughts, they take me away from mine, they make me smile, or laugh, or gasp, sometimes they stimulate. I don’t know many people who stimulate me, I have friends and they’re cool but they’ve definitely not undertaken the journey to try to reach their potential. I’m not saying that I have but I can honestly say that I’m trying the best I can and to the feeble degree that I have been successful, I have reaped rewards. But it’s still hard as sh*t, hell yeah, it’s hard as sh*t. I asked a friend of mine when was the last time that he experienced “magic”? Ah man, I used to experience it all the time in college…I’m really proud of what I did with my college years, me and my crew got busy on that campus for rizzeal. Since college though, life has been different, me and my boy were the only “survivors” of college, everyone else just kinda….melted, to use his word. Post-college, “real”-life is a motherf*cker no doubt, it’s interesting though that my life now is definitely easier than it was in school, I have more money, I like what I do, it doesn’t consume all my time or creative energy and I get to work from home, and I’m respected by my co-workers and management. So now what? My pops started making this big deal about me getting a graduate degree and he made a good argument for it, plus the job was paying for it so f*ck it, I did it, got me a f*cking mba and whatnot…okay, now what? I bought my house a few years ago, I’m putting hardwood flooring down, it’s beautiful, I was real picky with the wood, I found this stuff called santos mahogany, it the sh*t! Plus I’m having a ball putting it down, I love building things, making things, creating…yadda-yadda. I’ve run businesses since I was in 6^th grade, from selling candy, videogames, bike parts, to locating things for people, yeah I was that kid in high school who could get you anything or find you anything for a price. In college we did beats, songs, clothes, websites, parties, record labels and I think that’s where the “magic” would come in to play. Magic meaning moments where you knew when it happened, that this was a once-in-a-lifetime moment and you were in the right place at the right time…I guess that’s how I’ve always seen my life happening, I think now the only thing that’s different is that now it’s kinda like judgement day in the sense that all the things you did or didn’t do now have to be accounted for. And people are living that “accounting”. For 2008, well not really “for 2008” but more so these things were gonna be my next moves anyway:

- get pilot’s license

- get certified in private investigation?( I know it’s silly but I think that I would make an awesome detective! )

- finish my new company’s first piece of commercial software…

- step up on my guitar playing, I miss playing… L

It’s the software that’s breaking my back though, boy this sh*t done started a lot of sh*t between me and some other people…f*ck it though, you know me, I go hard on the frick-frack snitches!!!! LOL. But *sniff-sniff*, I miss the more frequent magic moments of my life. They’ve been far to infrequent of late and beneath my exterior I’m just a puppy who likes his scooby-snacks, LOL, wow, I bet you didn’t see that coming did ya?? LOL, oh my gawd, I need proffessional assistance, I know, I know. Wow, now that I think of it, the lack of more magic moments in my life has really been the thing that’s had me down or better said, a bit under-the-weather. I’m faithful and it’s my manna. That’s why I like writing, it’s carthartic for me, it helps me diagnose what ails my little mind. It’s strange that even now, I feel better, even though my desire is still the same, I feel less stressed now that I feel like I have a better handle on what it is that dances around the recesses of my mind.

M is for…”why do we want to become master? Can one ever really afford the high cost of it?”

“unity with another person for me would be with someone else who also walks the path”

when i look at an orchid, it’s not the beauty in the flower that possesses me; it’s my sensitivity to the beauty within me that captivates. i realize now that the outside world is one that always points towards my center. i create profusely but I know now that it’s not because I am a creative person but because I am a joyful person for whom creating is a passionate process of reflection and commemoration of the spirit which created me.

i read my last post…it’s funny how we oscillate between the profound and the profane. i didn’t realize it until later but a conversation that i had with someone very close to me distorted my thinking…i stumbled on the path. i love them more than anything, more than anyone and i cannot extricate them from my life but who i am, who i am becoming is too important to me to allow any further clumsy attempts at persuasion. i understand however they will not disengage from their attempts, we are bound by blood and therefore this will have to be handled most carefully……

M is for…”the world is inside of me”

i wonder what is to become of me. lately i’ve felt compulsively passionate and yet aloof and distracted; distracted by otherness that is. i think i’d like to get one of those black-and-white, zebra print composition books again. i like writing online but it’s not necessary for me, plus there is a part of me emerging that i’d like to nurture in private. can you give birth to yourself? a “newself” maybe? yes, i like that, it’s strangely heart-warming in an anachronistic sort of way.

i stopped messing with Kelly this past weekend. i guess part of it is that i’m bored, but i think another part is that i feel like i’m wasting her time and mine as well. my thoughts and feelings have been a source of excitement for me of late, i think i’ve been doing a really good job lately of tending my….well, flowerpot( it’s my concept for things that i sense that i’m not quite sure of their origin but have high hopes for ). i’m sure that would sound weird to a lot of people but…well i don’t really care what a “lot of people” think, i’ve always known that my inner space is not for public consumption. i’ve had some of really interesting ideas sprout recently and they’ve been intertwining in really exciting ways. i feel really proud to have been able to protect and nurture these other private aspects of my personality. I feel like my feelings and spirituality have had the opportunity to evolve in a really unique way. I had the weirdest thought yesterday….ugh! i feel so eccentric today, lol…but anyway, i think that i’d like to get married when i’m 34-35…why 34? i don’t know for sure, i think it’ll give me more time to find what i’m looking for. Kelly said the craziest thing to me the other day…she said that she was surprised that i didn’t date older women and i asked her why and she said because i was so mature. hmmm, i like Kelly, i wish she wouldn’t have stopped singing though, i loooved her voice, shiiiiit, we made some hot songs. I’ve always liked dating singers, pretty songbirds on my arm i guess…is that superficial? ehhh, i guess sorta, but i like talent in my women, i think that’s an important trait to have in a woman, unique, exquisite talent. it’s like when they were created they were given…extra. the ability to beckon the power of creation, to stir the spirit in others, to affect wonder and to provoke men to bear witness…mmmmm, it’s like i can taste their power, to have all of that, looking up at you, with big, beautiful eyes, wanting lips, racing hearts, squeezing your hand tighter and tighter…mmmmm…look at me zoning-out, and this was supposed to be about “otherness”…*smile*, i think me and the fellas need to go out this weekend…i feel like getting my flirt on…damn, I wonder when i’ll feel like seriously dating again, Tina really wore me out emotionally, even now when I think of dating, I think of her and shivers run up my spine…I can’t ever do that again.

M is for…”for many days and for many nights have i called out to you though the ether…”

M is for…”a magician or a mage, a sorcerer or a sage, on occasion words dismiss the prosaic, but the infinite in her clever way, declined my ascension today, but touch-and-flow is always how we play it.”

LOL, motherfuckers are crazy and the wildest thing is that even though I know that no one that I know in my personal life will ever read this, I still can’t say stuff here out of the fear I guess that they might somehow, in some freak accident come upon this. And wait! there’s more…..LOL…unh-uhh, no way, i’m outta here, i’m going to bed, i gotta do something *sigh* something’s gotta give…and then Stacy’s calling again…WTF!!!! Look, I heard your message love, you know me right? You know how moody I get sometimes, I just don’t feel like talking right now……sometimes it feels like everyone else is getting fed except me but I know it’s not your fault, it’s none of ya’lls fault. LOL, look at me saying “you” and “ya”ll” like any of ya’ll are actually ever gonna read this…I wish i could really talk to all the people in my life but only when they were sleeping. I could whisper my innermost thoughts and feelings to you cuz I want….more, i want more intimacy with the people I care about in my life, I want to share more…me and all these intense-ass relationships i have with people…what the hell am i doing? Where is all this going?

I feel like i’m outgrowing my mentor….whew…there, i said it. What do I do now? Well, that’s a dumb question, of course i already know what to do, it’s obvious……..i’m growing again *smile*….there’s always that…i’m not too good at self-pity, i guess it’s not in my nature but it feels good to vent…wow, I feel sooo much better.

M is for…”the only mastery worth acheiving is nothing more than mastering the art of mere kinship with one’s heart”

I’m in pain. I used to have a best friend but I don’t trust him anymore. That makes me very sad. Perhaps it’s myself that I don’t trust. Maybe it’s me that i’ve disappointed, yes, I am disappointed in myself. Lately, i’ve felt the desire to leave…to escape…to go to a place that’s more peaceful, where no one knows me or cares about me. So I could throw up my life, my painful feelings. I can’t even talk to my mentor about this. I feel angry, people wanting things from me, wanting me….it’s so hard to stop…from feeding them, feeding their wants and inner hungers….it’s so easy, they want so little, to simply feel loved and cared for, to have someone enjoy their company and look at them as though they’re meaningful. But in another way it’s isolating…I know i can’t ever tell them that i see them, i can hear their happiness, feel their sadness. I give, not out of kindness but out of necessity. I can’t stand their sadness, I feel….I hide this from myself, I feel conflicted…I didn’t expect these sensations….there are peaceful people…i remember Marcy’s pop-pop. He was dying and he was so at peace, the rest of his family was so uneasy, so worried, scared of their own pain, fearful of their impending loss. He didn’t even know me that well, had only met me twice before. I guess he liked the fact that I was teaching myself to play the guitar and that his granddaughter was happy with me. But there was something else i think, I could sense it when he looked at me…he wanted something from me and I could give it to him. I’ve never reflected on that experience before…I think it was a bittersweet time for him. He was in a lot of pain but he hid it from his family…still a good soldier. We watched gameshows all thanksgiving day long, just him and me in his room while his family all sat outside in the living room and enjoyed their food pretending like their hearts weren’t in that bed, in that room, in pain. They would come into the room and have this look on their faces…they were awful liars. Their pain was obvious but he wasn’t scared for himself and he didn’t need their sadness but i think they needed his strength. How’s that for irony, a dying man giving his family strength as his own slips away. That was beautiful, more awesome than a hundred supernovas, naked love, unashamed, unhindered, what was my role? Was i some sort of midwife? Perhaps merely a witness. There are sooo many types of pain, so many flavors. My pain is not of feeling but of knowing, i feel burdened by a knowledge…it’s only my defiance that keeps me afloat, my inherent hostility to oppresive force that keeps me moving forward, I do it out of sheer spite, to….I can feel it even now…the sense of pain subsiding and once again being replaced by….me….i wrote this this morning:

this is me
i am mind
i am body
i am spirit
this is me

it’s funny how art can break us down, make us vulnerable…a movie…a fucking movie triggered this….eruption…i had to stop it and write this…fucking art…yes, for the illusion lost shall be your sword and shield…how apt….again i triumph…i was overcome by the weariness of my own will…fascinating…I’m reading this new book, I won’t talk about it here, I have other things to do, to think about…journals are wonderful things, life is a wonderful thing, and i have it, in me, it’s not just I who lives but the body itself, organs, cells, all alive, all serving a purpose, they give me life and i guess i give them a reason for theirs as well. How wonderful…I think i’m gonna try to resume the movie….i want more now, *smile* always more I want, thank you my creator.

M is for…”my self is your self, this i give to you, to all who have need of it I give of myself freely, it is in my nature to do so”

 I like this guy….I sooooo need to step my game up with my social circle…ya know, i’ve been thinking that for a while now…I love my friends but frankly, I want more out of my relationships.  I know too many people who are just surviving and that’s not a knock on them, i’m proud of them, they’ve fought some major battles and are still sane which can’t be said for everyone but at the same time i’m ready for more challenges or better yet, experiences that are actually challenging. No doubt Prince Alwaleed! $160 billion in equity is a comfort zone like a motherf**ker! Hmm, undervalued you say, muy interesante….plus I like his perspective, he keeps his eye on the ball…good man. No point in getting all riled up when there’s nothing to worry about….3.6% you say? I’m jealous, no, i’m not, i’m focused….*smile*

M is for…”el mundo es mio….”