Forward, backward, round and round, time for a nap…
I was thinking about how I’ve been feeling lately and my last post and I remembered why things in my life have begun to move in a certain way. I’m a VERY artistic/creatively-motivated person, I like drawing, sculpting, writing, dancing, making music, etc but I’m also a very technical person, I like computer systems, biological systems, chemical systems, what can I say, I like machines whether they’re made out of silicon and/or germanium or hydrocarbons and/or sugar-protein chains. To make a loooooong story short and to minimize tangents, of which I’m the prince of, I decided when I was 25 that I wanted to begin pursuing mastery in these different disciplines. I spent my teens and 20’s being a jack-of-all-trades and that was fine then but now I want more. My desire to inject myself into these arts and systems demands that I become more familiar, use less thought while simultaneously being more productive. Mastery isn’t as stimulating and moving from discipline to discipline, it’s slow, tedious, monotonous, all about subtleties and understanding….LOL, ironic isn’t it that I chose this path based purely on the objective with no knowledge of the process and now that I know the process, now that I’m living the process, it’s driving me crazy, making me feel both creatively numb and ravenous. My being conscious of this fact doesn’t change anything though, I once wrote that “there is no escape from the clarity of purpose”, how ironic that now I find myself both attracted and repulsed by this path. Lao Tzu once said that the subtle essence of the universe was holding on to this and letting go of that….I wonder if in my desire for the “thats” of this life, I am actually letting go the “this”? Hmmmm, perhaps they are different and perhaps they are the same, I guess i’ll find out – all things in time.
M is for…still nothing(L) but now it’s the “golden nothing”(J), how that for progress? LOL
Okay, I have no clue what to say to this…I’m guessing because your thought process is so lofty.
But, I did want to let you know that I was/am here…observing. 
…and Happy Valentines Day.
Sounds like you’re starting to reach or you have reached that age of making things permanent. We tend to do this go day, come day, God send another day pattern until something big hits us and then BAM! We want normalcy! What happened to make you feel this way?
VV:
Lofty? Who you callin’ lofty? lol. Observing huh? So what have your observations revealed to you so far? OMG!, Happy belated Valentine’s Day to you too!
Kayos
Making things permanent? How so? What made me feel this way? That mastery is something that I would like to have more of in my life or that it’s difficult? I think of this feeling as a natural progression, being productive is fun for me, being creative is something that demands my entire being and it’s very rewarding. I’m not hurting or anything, I guess i’m just venting about how hard it is to wait for that gratification that comes at the end of doing something challenging. Being an artist is something that i’ll always be, the challenge i’ve undertaken is to attempt to master my artistry but waaaaaa! it hurts, lol. Odd as it may sound but this is exactly what I want. I know that the pain now will be replaced by pleasure later so although i’m complaining, i’m actually very excited to see the outcome.
It’s basically like making an investment in yourself, I’m having to wait longer for the payoff but I can tell by the amount of anguish that i’m experiencing that that payoff is gonna be big. The hot thing is that with this type of investment, the more disciplined and focus I am increases the payoff so now my own greed is causing me to make things more challenging so as to increase the payoff. lol, sometimes it seems that all’s the world’s pain can be traced to one or more of the cardinal sins(aka seven deadly sins). Sorry for babbling on but I realized something at the end of my babbling that I didn’t quite know at the beginning so it was worth it. That’ll teach you to ask me questions, huh? LOL